Good girl

As a middle child born in the Midwest, I got good at being a good girl.

I was told early on that I was just “average” when it came to intelligence (I was being measured by math, grammar, and memorizing historical facts, according to the Bible of course.).

I was told I was pretty a lot, and quickly learned that I could get people to like me if I figured out the rules and play the game. I knew that being a good girl/being a nice girl, would need to be my strategy.

I did it.

I walked a lot of lines with so much grace, getting applauded like a tightrope walker.

But I got so, fucking, tired.

Tired of being in a heightened state of awareness all the time.

Tired of meeting the expectations, and then having those expectations change.

After having a child I quickly realized that the expectations our society has on women, particularly adult women, are actually impossible to achieve while also being myself. The scary part was when I started to realize that I did not actually know who I was. I just knew what I was supposed to be, and could defend that very well.

I could do it. I could continue working hard and be that good girl. But I would not be present in all of that. I could not bring my actual feeling, emotional, opinionated, needy self to accomplish that. For that I would have to Widdle myself away to nothing. And smile and say I’m happy about it.

Funny story, I was so bent on getting approval that I would talk and flirt with whichever boys I liked until I got them to date me, and then I would immediately get bored and very uncomfortable. Not because I did not like them, but because I was there for the accolades and approval of me being unique and special. For me, that was proof that I was good, and I needed continual proof.

I’ve got some news you already know:

We cannot make other people feel a god damn thing. We cannot “get” others to approve of us because we cannot control what other people think.

We cannot win at their game. Full stop.

The only way we can win, is when we stop playing, and start living by our own rules.

We come back to our humanity, our bodies; we come home to ourselves.

33% of people like you

33% of people are indifferent

33% of people don’t like you.

Because of the diversity of our world this is true for everyone.

If this is true, then why spend our energy trying to swim up the damn river?

What if instead we got into the flow and met those who truly want to be near us on the way?

With Love,