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Wild Exvangelical Cocktail of Misery

Updated: Oct 12, 2022

Two years ago I read a book called the five levels of attachment by Don Miguel Ruiz. In it he talks about how we tend to attach ourselves to beliefs, things, people, in ways that can lead to damage over time.

Essentially, we end up clinging to things being and staying the same. When I read this at the time I realized how much religion was a part of the deeper levels of attachment (where we cut off people from our lives, call people who don’t see things that way foolish, and even fight with those opposed to it).

That in itself was eye opening to me after having deconstructed from religion and realized much of the damage from it came from this attachment to an idea over being with humanity and change.

Then, I read the book You are a Dream, by Prof G. where he describes the “persona” a type of ego and realized that the reason we attach to things beliefs and ideas in this way at all is because we want a sense of control of our world around us. And change at all, to the persona, feels like death.

And that is damn accurate. If you’ve ever been through change (uh everyone), you know that it’s felt difficult in some ways. This is both your attachment aching, and your persona resisting that ego death.

See, we create these stories about ourselves and our lives and gods, and our worlds that we then operate within. It keeps our decision making process shorter and allows us to exert less energy for daily tasks. Like pressing “Run morning routine system” and then us going through that process with little to no thought.

The beliefs we have about ourselves and our world, when we are extremely attached, hurt even worse when things change and we can’t explain our world with them anymore.

This happened for those of us who deconstructed: we saw undeniable abuse perpetuated by the church and people suffering that the bible said they wouldn’t suffer for and something had to give.

Your deconstruction is a huge change, and thus a loss of a lot of those beliefs you had about yourself and the world.

All that being said it is possible to change and adapt, you know this because you have, but this process is not done.

What I realize this year in my training with Devoted Energy Coaching School is that these stories and plans and ideas we attach to often don’t really support us, and any time we notice strong resistance to reality come in, its is usually because one or more of the beliefs we have attached to is asking to change/shift/be released.

Now, I am not going to be all “yAy bEcoMe EnliGhtened With tHeSe fIvE MaGiCaL StEPs”


I am deeply in support of and in love with your full humanity and letting go of perfectionism in every way.

What I will say is that becoming aware of when this is happening can deeply support us in moving through change, and allowing us to suffer less in our day to day lives.

I have been level five attached to so many things in my life.

I left religion, and then got level five attached to self help and “curing” myself of my humanity. I wanted to achieve enlightenment because I wanted to “do no harm” but honestly what I wanted to avoid was feeling the vulnerability of being human. And I wanted to avoid the responsibility of being in charge of myself. I was living entirely in victim mode and saying poor me at the same time I was trying to over give to everyone around me, trying to manage how they felt and how they experienced me.

Kind of a wild exvangelical cocktail of misery honestly. Anyone relate?

What has profoundly sunk in for me is this: There is a way to live in the present moment, with peace inside of myself, taking each moment as it comes, and allowing stories (what we think we know, but isn’t reality. Ex: This person hates me! When they haven’t said so) to go.


There is a way to come back to this when you notice that you are stuck/attached again. And this is just as important as staying in the present moment.

I call this practice Purposeful Acceptance. Wherever you are, accepting what is, knowing what is yours and letting the rest go.

Want to know a big first step?

Whenever you feel big feelings, Name what you are feeling:

I am feeling overwhelmed (Angry, frustrated, tired, annoyed, stressed)

Validate your own experience:

This is hard for me right now. It’s okay that this is hard for me.

Detach from other people’s experiences of this for just a moment and ask:

What do I need right now?

And offer that to yourself.

Ground yourself in reality:

Right now, I am (name place), I am surrounded by (describe your surroundings).

Right now, I am fine. If you’re not fine, simply say I am going to be okay. I am going to make it.

True change is not going to happen by reading great information and doing nothing with it. Otherwise we would all be geniuses from all the self help information available on TikTok and Instagram.

Integration and practice of one or two simple tools over time will dramatically change your life and your inner landscape.

Support will do this as well. I have spent the entire past two years under some of the most incredible coaches in the world (not an exaggeration), and it has been truly life changing.

I highly recommend coaching, whether it is me or someone you resonate with more, there is nothing more powerful than having someone in front of you mirror your power and goodness right back to you. It will change your life forever.

If you feel ready, I’d love to chat with you and see what change we could create together <3

Happy Friday Loves!


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