It’s the idea that I need to be someone other/better/more than I am right now to have what I desire.
I notice it often with my work and even in being a parent.
If I just am able to ____ then this desire will come to life.
I distinctly remember back before I met my current partner I was in hot pursuit of improvement, trying to be more: stable, consistent with exercise, more go with the flow, more funny, more on trend.
I tried on mindsets like it was my job. (Magical Thinking)
Maybe if I think this way or that way, the right person will walk into my life.
I felt desperate honestly and it did not feel good.
It occurred to me one day while laying on the grass in my yard that healing might maybe perhaps possibly be in acceptance of myself, as I am.
And honestly the thought terrified me.
Surely if I stopped trying I would become a bridge troll that no one would be able to live. I needed to perform well in order to be seen and loved.
And to be honest, I simply kept living that way for a long time.
Years later I began a practice that literally made me cringe.
I would intentionally spend time being with the parts of myself that felt unlovable to me:
My tummy
The way I talked
The way my face looked
I let the hair grow on my legs simply to be with what made me feel uncomfortable.
I began to love myself where I was actually at.
And you know what happened?
I was uncomfortable. Lol
Nothing like the Big Bang, but I began to settle, and I began to trust the love that came my way because it was actually me who was starting to show up.
I catch this belief crop up in myself because that’s what our old patterns do,
And even in this I offer myself kindness,
Because in doing so
I show myself
over and over again
that
Yes
Even in this
I deserve love.
This is the work we do in Redefining Relationship, my 1:1 coaching intensive.
xo
Christina
