I was homeschooled. Like I wore little house on the prairie dresses until I was 11 homeschooled. I got my first pair of jeans when I was 12 and a boy made a comment (later found out he was queer) that I had changed things up and I got so self conscious. I had a crush on him.
I loved little house on the prairie and American Girl dolls. I loved everything frilly and fluffy and beautiful. I wanted to be in charge of a large house or castle when I got older.
I lived entirely in a dream world. Whats funny is that when I look back now, I can see how my aspirations got confused. I wanted to grow up and go back in time because the rules within Christianity that I was being taught to follow were archaic, and made a lot more sense to me, if I were in another bygone era.
I was dreaming of a world where I had no responsibility, where nothing was up to me, where I had no choice, no agency.
I was projecting my world onto an old time period so I could frame it as glamorous in some way.
My sweet child brain was brilliant at protecting me.
Since deep down I knew it was not safe to be fully seen, I started to disappear. I suppressed my needs, wants, and feelings (They came out sideways anyhow), until I could not be seen.
My greatest longing was always to be seen, but I could not be because I was not allowing myself to show up because it was not safe to show up. I was stuck.
In college and after I dated the same boy off and on for 7 years. Towards the end he would get so upset at me for not “having a backbone” and not knowing who I was.
Looking back I see that as laughably Ironic. He wasn’t wrong. I did not know who I was.
I also could not know who I was in that environment and in that relationship.
So I left him. Then I left my city, I left my parents town, and eventually, left my religion. I found myself.
All along my body knew and was whispering to me “ it’s not safe here.” and I kept trying to make excuses. When I finally left all of this the relief was overwhelming.
Learning who I am and what I want has been and is such a process. It is something no one can do for you.
No one has the right to tell you those things, and nor should you listen if they try to tell you. Only you have to live in and with your mind/body/spirit.
I am so glad to finally know me. To show up places, as me. And to be able now to allow myself to be seen.
I no longer wear little house on the prairie dresses, but I do wear exactly what I want, and thanks to my innate audacity to be me, I can handle it.
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